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Quick Wit Retort
Once upon a time, a young man went to the circus. He was very excited,
as he lived in western Manitoba and had never seen a circus before; the
kind of town where you shave and the trolly stops. Anyway, as circus
days drew nigh, the young man grew ever more excited. He arrived
before dawn to get the best seat in the house, and was seated hours
before the first trapeze act.
Finally, the trapeze artists gave an awe-inspiring performance, the
elephants danced, and the lion tamer tamed. At last, the clowns came out
in full regalia and green hair. They rode around by the gross in a purple
volkswagon. The volksie pulled up to center of the ring, and an
overweight clown with orange hair, acne, and a purple nose advanced to
the podium:
"Will the person in section A, row Y, seat 42 please stand up?"
The young man looked at his ticket, and to his surprise, he was sitting in
that very seat. The young man stood up.
Clown sez, "Wellllll, there's the horse's butt, now where's the rest of the
horse?"
The man, dumbfounded, stood for a moment, then made his way quickly
through crowd and out of the tent. Returning home, the man wept for
days, and mourned the loss of dignity and honor. Eventually reason
overcame his grief and the man grew determined. "I'm not going to get
mad, I'm going to get even, and avenge the honor of myself, my family,
and this town," exclaimed the man. He picked up the curriculum guide for
the University of Nevada at Las Vegas (UNLV) correspondence courses
and started to read. Eventually his eyes came to rest on an advert for a
class in "Quick Wit Retort." "Learn how to use those snappy comebacks
to your advantage, now!" So the man sent in his $19.95 and soon
received the course materials. In a few weeks, the man mastered the
materials, and sent the final back to UNLV.
Much to his surprise, a registered letter arrived from the president of
UNLV. It read:
Dear Sir: We are utterly flabbergasted at your performance in Quick Wit
Retort 101. We would be most gratified if you could come to UNLV to
complete your degree with our fine academic institution. Here's a check to
cover your expenses. To make a long story short :-), the man made
straight A's in the QWR program. He was awarded numerous distinctions,
and when he graduated, the graduation speaker Ed Meese awarded the
man the Presidential Medal of Outstanding Quick Wit Retort, signed by
Billy himself!
Some days afterward, Harvard University sent a lear-jet to pick the man
up for an interview. The graduate admissions officer didn't mince words.
"If you complete our masters/doctoral tenured track program in QWR,
you will never have to worry about money again," said he. Needless to
say, the man promptly moved to Cambridge.
In 5 years, the man had finished his doctorate. By this time, the man was
known throughout the world as the leading expert in Quick Wit Retort.
Word had even reached western Manitoba, which made his mother very
proud. Everyone from Pentagon pundits to Beltway bandits consulted the
man on technical questions of QWR.
One day, while sitting at his desk reading his hometown newspaper, the
man noticed that the circus was coming to his hometown again. An evil
smile crossed the man's face. "Siegfried," cried the man to his assistant,
"We must be away to Manitoba. Ready the jet!" As the plane crossed the
downlands of Michigan, the man savored the moment of victory that was
to be his.
The man arrived at the circus tent very early, making sure to get the seat in
section A, row Y, seat 42.
Finally, the trapeze artists gave an awe-inspiring performance, the
elephants danced, and the lion tamer tamed. At last, the clowns came out
in full regalia and green hair. They rode around by the gross in a purple
volkswagon. The volksie pulled up to center of the ring, and an
overweight clown with orange hair, acne, and a purple nose advanced to
the podium:
"Will the person in section A, row Y, seat 42 please stand up?"
The man glanced at his ticket. This time he was ready.
Clown sez, "Wellllll, there's the horse's butt, now where's the rest of the
horse?"
The man rose to his feet, full of confidence. He thrust out his chest and
said in the loudest voice you can imagine:
SCREW YOU, CLOWN!!!!
Once upon a time, a young man went to the circus. He was very excited,
as he lived in western Manitoba and had never seen a circus before; the
kind of town where you shave and the trolly stops. Anyway, as circus
days drew nigh, the young man grew ever more excited. He arrived
before dawn to get the best seat in the house, and was seated hours
before the first trapeze act.
Finally, the trapeze artists gave an awe-inspiring performance, the
elephants danced, and the lion tamer tamed. At last, the clowns came out
in full regalia and green hair. They rode around by the gross in a purple
volkswagon. The volksie pulled up to center of the ring, and an
overweight clown with orange hair, acne, and a purple nose advanced to
the podium:
"Will the person in section A, row Y, seat 42 please stand up?"
The young man looked at his ticket, and to his surprise, he was sitting in
that very seat. The young man stood up.
Clown sez, "Wellllll, there's the horse's butt, now where's the rest of the
horse?"
The man, dumbfounded, stood for a moment, then made his way quickly
through crowd and out of the tent. Returning home, the man wept for
days, and mourned the loss of dignity and honor. Eventually reason
overcame his grief and the man grew determined. "I'm not going to get
mad, I'm going to get even, and avenge the honor of myself, my family,
and this town," exclaimed the man. He picked up the curriculum guide for
the University of Nevada at Las Vegas (UNLV) correspondence courses
and started to read. Eventually his eyes came to rest on an advert for a
class in "Quick Wit Retort." "Learn how to use those snappy comebacks
to your advantage, now!" So the man sent in his $19.95 and soon
received the course materials. In a few weeks, the man mastered the
materials, and sent the final back to UNLV.
Much to his surprise, a registered letter arrived from the president of
UNLV. It read:
Dear Sir: We are utterly flabbergasted at your performance in Quick Wit
Retort 101. We would be most gratified if you could come to UNLV to
complete your degree with our fine academic institution. Here's a check to
cover your expenses. To make a long story short :-), the man made
straight A's in the QWR program. He was awarded numerous distinctions,
and when he graduated, the graduation speaker Ed Meese awarded the
man the Presidential Medal of Outstanding Quick Wit Retort, signed by
Billy himself!
Some days afterward, Harvard University sent a lear-jet to pick the man
up for an interview. The graduate admissions officer didn't mince words.
"If you complete our masters/doctoral tenured track program in QWR,
you will never have to worry about money again," said he. Needless to
say, the man promptly moved to Cambridge.
In 5 years, the man had finished his doctorate. By this time, the man was
known throughout the world as the leading expert in Quick Wit Retort.
Word had even reached western Manitoba, which made his mother very
proud. Everyone from Pentagon pundits to Beltway bandits consulted the
man on technical questions of QWR.
One day, while sitting at his desk reading his hometown newspaper, the
man noticed that the circus was coming to his hometown again. An evil
smile crossed the man's face. "Siegfried," cried the man to his assistant,
"We must be away to Manitoba. Ready the jet!" As the plane crossed the
downlands of Michigan, the man savored the moment of victory that was
to be his.
The man arrived at the circus tent very early, making sure to get the seat in
section A, row Y, seat 42.
Finally, the trapeze artists gave an awe-inspiring performance, the
elephants danced, and the lion tamer tamed. At last, the clowns came out
in full regalia and green hair. They rode around by the gross in a purple
volkswagon. The volksie pulled up to center of the ring, and an
overweight clown with orange hair, acne, and a purple nose advanced to
the podium:
"Will the person in section A, row Y, seat 42 please stand up?"
The man glanced at his ticket. This time he was ready.
Clown sez, "Wellllll, there's the horse's butt, now where's the rest of the
horse?"
The man rose to his feet, full of confidence. He thrust out his chest and
said in the loudest voice you can imagine:
SCREW YOU, CLOWN!!!!
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